Remember how this blg started with bad weather?

In about 12 hours I will be sitting down to my first staff meeting at my new school.....first time I've taught middle school, new site, new staff, new everything....including a 7:30 staff meeting.

How comically ironic that it is absolutely bucketing down rain.

And yet, it's funny-- maybe this is a reminder to me that my perspective has changed, my attitude has shifted--the rain doesn't seem dreary and threatening to me tonight-- it seems refreshing, and welcome.....a cool summer rain, quenching the earth, promising nourishment and succor.

It's a bit hard to believe my time is up-- how little I achieved in a year at home-- and how much I achieved. I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, and thinking....hey! You are going to do awesome.

And I shall. What a difference a year has made.....no fear, no despair.....and, no looking back.

Like the Phoenix.....

So, I've accepted a job, part time, at a local middle school. It happens that the school is where H.El(l) kids go when they escape move up, so I will know a bunch of the kids right off the bat.

The big thing is the shift in atmosphere and the improvement in my attitude. Thinking back to this time last year, I hardly recognize myself. I remember clearly the sense of dread, the complete lack of motivation and the desperate panic of not wanting to go back, and certainly not wanting to face Evil Chipmunk. The husband of course didn't understand, and wasn't especially sympathetic. It's all well and good to say "Just shut your door and do your job", but teaching just doesn't work that way.

So, this will be a growth year, for certain, and other opportunities continue to emerge.

And, most importantly, I'm gaining perspective, and learning to depend on my own sense of self, strength and right.

The Last Farewell

So yesterday was it-- yesterday was the last day of school, the 200pound chipmunk's last day at the helm before officially retiring, the last day that I would be a member of staff. Had I stayed and struggled through this year (not an option) or returned at some point and finished the year, that Last Day would have looked very different. But I only have this path to follow, I can't be concerned about what lay down the others.

C let me know what time the farewell assembly was-- the one where all the awards were given, the teachers and parents thanked, and well-wishes proffered for those moving on. I don't exactly know why I wanted to go back, perhaps I felt I had something to prove. Perhaps I just wanted to lay old ghosts to rest.

I snuck in, after the assembly had begun, stopping first at the office to hand over my keys. As I turned them around the key ring, releasing them one by one, my hands shook as I placed them in the secretary's palm. I asked her to peek into the gym and see if there were seats still in the back, and so it was I snuck in like a thief to a place that I used to treat as a second home, and never felt unwelcome. Now, it seemed foreboding, and unfamiliar, and still rather toxic.

It felt quite surreal-- every mannerism, every joke, every display of his power and control was so familiarly repellant. It was amusing to see him talk for the whole hour, not giving anyone else the opportunity to speak or display mastery of crowd control. Mostly, I was embarrassed for him-- it was obvious why he went almost fully 2 years past retirement. It may have been love of the job, but more it was love of Power.

At the end, each class made a small presentation to him, and the crowning moment came when a grandma in the audience stood and said "I think we should all stand" and led a standing ovation. Well......all but one member of the audience. Maybe that was childish, and certainly it was in poor form, and had I not been sitting in the back I might not have had the cajones to sit there while everyone else around me rose and applauded. But there was No.Way.

I slipped out as the kids were leaving the gym and into my old room. I waited until the class came in, and in that moment realized what I had come for-- squeals of delight as the kids saw me, hugged me, scolded me for not coming back before. I didn't stay long, just enough to top up my tank.

On my way out the side door, D stopped me to give me a card and a gift certificate as my Farewell Present. I smirked when I saw the amount, for I knew right off it was at least half what they would have spent on the Chipmunk's present. I wondered how they arrived at the figure they had. It worked out to $5 a year I'd worked there.

That includes this year, though, so the joke's on them.....It reminds me how abusers and manipulators are able to keep the minions and the victims in their grip. Well. I didn't stand for him, nor get on my knees for him. He no longer has power over me.

He even wrote a message in my Good Bye card....but didn't sign his name. Ha. Perfect......

The Longest Day

This week marked the start of summer, meaning that Thursday was the longest day. More daylight hours than dark...more light than night....


I toured my new school yesterday, met my department head, and some of my fellow teachers. The atmosphere is high energy. I can sense some uncertainty and some reserve, but by and large I saw that they were there for the kids. Adminstrivia was just that-- a nuisance, nothing more. There was no expectation that the Admin will meddle in our everyday lives. We will be left down the grade 7 hall to Get On With It.


I saw my new room. And I thought.....well. I am a Teacher again.......

Well...the sun shines, at last.

So, I'm thinking I'm maybe about ready to close off this blog-- not sure. In some ways it's served it's purpose of bearing witness to my journey this year. In another way, maybe I'd like to see it evolve and become the foundation of the new experiences I'm building....not sure yet.

In any event, here is the story....

HRH called me up in mid May, and suddenly, for the first time, there was no talk of me going back to H.El(l) There was not too much talk of me going places I wanted to go, but, I wasn't going back there. I felt like I had FINALLY gotten my pardon....

So--over the negotiations of the next few weeks, a position was found for me at a Middle School. Because I only wanted to go back part time, the District had the advantage (in that I was easier to place). In the end, I know I could have fought and demanded and insisted on all manner of things, but I realized that the Fight hadn't gone out of, I just wasn't interested in Doing Battle anymore. And--most importantly--I was done being a victim. I don't need anyone to *rescue* me, thank you. I will rescue myself. My position will be Math and Language Arts for Grade 7's, 60% (So I work on a continuous every-other-day pattern). It's not exactly what I was hoping for, but 2 things made me take the job--#1, it appeared magically overnight--I phoned the Prince to ask if there were going to be any opportunities at his site, and he said he didn't think so, certainly not in Grade 7....and then, the very next day, so there was. And #2--as I thought about it, the subjects and the site....I got that little warm wiggle in my belly that I have been waiting for for almost 2 years....the September Rush. So....even if I do end up leaving the field, NOW I know I will go because I choose to, having given my all, and leaving on my terms.

Or.....maybe I'll stay, and maybe find a whole new passion for my job.....er......my calling.

Thanks for checking in on me...I'm doing ok....

I love the smell of irony in the morning

So in the span of one week I experienced that exquisite feeling of going from the sublime to the ridiculous. I got a job offer (very very short term-- a 2 week contract) it was offered to me sight unseen, purely on the merit of a recommendation and my CV on file. It's fairly lucrative-- about $250 a day--depending on how fast I work, I guess, but with the potential to be that start of Big Things. The contract is with a Government Agency that oversees converting classroom content to packaged courses -- both print and online.

So...I happily accept the job which happens to be doing the Instructional Design on a grade 12 course. Brilliant-- I'm all excited. That's the sublime moment, followed days later by another conversation with the HRH who (just to cut to the chase) is still insisting that I cannot be considered for teaching positions at the Secondary Level. They HAVE to have experienced teachers in those halls.....


After I complete the Gov't Contract, I will know more about that course than any teacher in the province. And yet. HRH would STILL not deem me suitable to teach it....It would be laughable were it not so pathetic....

Lunch call

I got a ring from a colleague from H.El(l) the other day, wondering, as it was Spring Break, would I like to meet her and another teacher for lunch. I happily agreed and looked forward to seeing them the next day.

But it's funny how things go. It was a nice lunch, and it was great to see them, but the first hitch came when I couldn't find a place for the kids to go, and ended up taking them with me. In retrospect, I realized that must have been intentional, in a subconscious attempt to forestall any talk of things I would find difficult.

It must have been so, for when I told them I wouldn't be back to H.El(l), I could feel the anxiety and discomfort tightening my throat. Hmmmm.....*she moves in mysterious ways*

So, next step is to start closing those doors, tidying up, officially letting go.

Oh, yeah--I can handle that.

Goooooooood MORNING SCHOOL DISTRICT ###!!!!

So, as part of the ongoing drama, my Salary Indemnity plan (which covers a part of my salary while I'm unable to work) has indicated that I should visit a Psychiatrist for a more formal assessment.

I have: biweekly GP appointments, biweekly counselling sessions and occasional check ups with the Rehab Worker. Now, I need a Psychiatric Work Up.

However....it was really interesting, and I was a bit surprised how much the Good Doctor was able to uncover in the hour we spent together. It turns out that she has treated a large number of teachers in the District, and it turns out that she has seen conditions like mine all too often. She told me a number of things about my situation, including the fact that not only was I suffering the early warning signs of burn-out, I was also in the throes of Post Traumatic Stress DIsorder.

Pardon ME? I know I wasn't in Viet Nam, and almost certainly would recall a Tour of Duty in Desert Storm...

But yes, she continued, that is exactly what my condition was--my treatment by the district, and in particular the Evil and Incompetent Chipmunk, was so grueling, it created an episode of PTSD, most likely by triggering some unresolved *issue* from my childhood that left me feeling powerless, worthless or stupid. Or all of the above.

She also said that a benchmark for me to know when I would be able to return to work would be when I could tell my story and talk about my experiences without tearing up, and when I felt some kind of excitement about the job again.

Gah.....I have a lot of work to do.

So I feel better, and worse. This black place in my soul was always present, but had I not been so viciously maltreated by my employer, it would have continued to lurk, waiting, to be drawn out.

Like attracts Like, I guess.

Now what? Stay tuned....

I'll see your Grade 4 and raise you some dumb grade 7's

Yep, this is how it progresses. For awhile, I was one step forward two back, then for a long time it was one forward one back, now, I may be on the verge of two forward one back....we'll see how it progresses.

Telephone call from my Rehab worker:

"Hello JOT, how is everything [assorted small talk goes here], I was wondering what your thoughts were now about return to work?"


"Well" says I, "Now that I know I'm going to be put on the Must Transfer List, I feel quite ready to wait until the Fall to go back"

"Oh? What do you mean you Know you will be Transfered?"

"SuperChin said she would put me on the list herself"

"Did you get that in writing?"

Oh Crap.

So-- here is where we stand. The most HRH (Harridan of Human Resources) is willing to move is MAYBE she wondered if PERHAPS I might be capable of doing learning assistance for grade 7 or 8? She also, apparently, interpreted SuperChin's directive as a Forced Transfer MIGHT be a POSSIBILITY if nothing else can be worked out.

HRH's need to exert power grows ever-more apparent. And why? She must have hated her teachers when she was in school and has now dedicated her life to Pay-Back.

Sometimes, I get annoyed still, but mostly I just find I'm sort of looking on the antics from a place of bemused mild interest. It's going to work out, or it's not. I enjoy relaying these tales, because once again, truth is stranger than fiction, but the wounds have healed.....slowly but steadily.

Que Sera Sera, as they say

So I figured out who was responsible

Turns out it was me, all along. Oh no, I am not the one who is an incompetent, lying, useless toerag, but I am responsible for my own feelings. So here is the deal--HRH may well push me around and insist I am not qualified to teach above grade 6, the union may well continue to be feeble and ineffectual, and the Ghost of PHOD may hover over SuperChin's shoulder and create turmoil and grief. And there is no question on this Earth that the 200 pound Chipmunk will continue in his incompetent arrogance, remaining happily and haplessly oblivious to the destruction he leaves in his wake.

I may very well not get to do what I want to. I may very well be spoken to in ways that are harsh and unfair and reprehensible.

But.

I can feel however I want about it. They Cannot Make Me Feel any way I don't choose to.

They can "win"--and they might--but they cannot make me lose. Not anymore.

JOT 2-0

I can see Clearly Now the Fog is Thick

I decided in the end that I don't want to share my journey at the Shelter with the Internet. I am writing it, and I will share it individually with the people who witnessed and shared the time with me, but that's enough.

I awoke this morning after a restless and dream-filled night to a thick envelope of fog. How perfectly appropriate. A clear and brilliant sky, with rainbows and bunnies in the field and petals from early-spring flowers wafting past would really have been Over the Top, even for me. This has been a journey of weather-filled metaphors, and this fog, still so soft and still just outside my window, is enveloping me in softness-in gentle, calm ease. And as it clears, more will be revealed, but for now...Que Sera Sera.

I no longer feel like a victim, and I don't really care...ok, I don't care as much, about what is going on at H.El(l). I'm going to be Fine. And I'm going to take lots of time deciding on my next steps. In the meantime, I'm going to be well, and get weller... nope, I don't need no more schoolin'

JOT

The Retreat-Day 1-R E S P E C T

Confidentiality agreements guarantee that I can't reveal anything that is discussed in group beyond my own reactions. Here then, are my reactions to an experience that was billed as "LIFECHANGING!!" and "DON'T MISS IT!!!!".

Leaving the kids in the care of their dad and grandma, I set sail to a small, hippyesque Island to a Retreat for 5 nights and 5 heart wrenching, angst filled, challenging days.

The night I arrived, all the participants gathered to meet for the first time, and learn about what lay ahead.

There were around 20 participants, and a handful of facilitators. I was feeling quite strong and capable on the night, and full of high spirits and an open attitude. It happened that I was the first in the big circle to introduce myself, and did so, making light reference to my work situation, but alluding to the pain I was in. In the back of my mind was the *certainty* that as the days progressed and I revealed more about what brought me to this Shelter, there would be consensus and outrage and I would be cosseted and validated in my role as the victim. Some of that slipped away as I listened to the other stories in the circle. Stories of loss, and death, and illness and abandonment and Pain.

Ooops.

JOT was suddenly a little humbled.....By the end of the time, I embraced the fact that while I could put my situation into a different context and view it with a new perspective, and while on a Global Scale, mine was hardly a story destined for Movie-of-the-Week. This helped me, though, move from Victim Mode to I'm no longer under their control Mode. I was ready to accept that while what "they" had done was vile and reprehensible, I did not have to stay stuck in the Drama. It was not my problem if they were not ready to move on--I was. And I was...ready to move on.

New Job, Same as the Old Job

*Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hi JOT, I had a call from HR this morning and have a job you might be interested in. Can you call the Harridan of HR post haste?"


So I call. Her voice oooozing with that special sincerity the emotionally retarded reserve for use in only the rarest of cases, she answers her phone with "Oh JOT! How ARE you?" I can just see the smoochy face. "Yeah, good, say, my Rehab Worker told me about the job at C.El, but I'm really not ready to come back yet"

And the rest of the conversation is polite "Thanks for the call" "No Thank you for letting my know" "No, thank you for thinking of me".....etc.

Everyone was a little surprised that she had just Out of the Blue offered me a position (temporary, just to the end of the year). But here was the weird part-- there were several other jobs posted that week that I would have liked.....what was going on? When I checked back with my Rehab worker, apparently, the HRH is suspicious about my credentials. Apparently, she questions whether or not I have what it takes to teach anything outside of Grade 4. I look forward to disabusing her of that notion.

It was time to go to the top......in this case, the top of a Dung Heap, but still, to the top I went.

Part B--Taking Kryptonite to SuperChin

I booked an appointment to see the Superintendent just before I left for the Retreat. In fact, she isn't the ACTUAL Superintendent, she is the ACTING Superintendent. I like to say that "Acting Super" is what she does best. In any event, the irony of talking to her about this situation was her suggesting (rather firmly) that I not revisit past *wrong doings* as she was not Running the Ship (I said ship) back then, and bore no responsibility. She did note, however, that they had made an absolute mess of my position last year, but obviously has never put 2 and 2 together to realize her role in that--because she hired one of her friends for a job that I was so patently the best and most obvious candidate--so much so the beneficiary was horrified to learn what had happened--she assumed I must have turned down the offer of the position.

In any event, sitting in the Presence of Superness, I laid out my frustrations with the lack of vision and support (and accountability) in the office of HRH (a position, incidentally, filled by a person with no experience in Education beyond her own 3 years finishing grade 8). It seemed to be getting more and more difficult to explain to her that while in her last job in the lumber industry it may have been appropriate to require certification and tickets for certain positions, a teacher with a K-12 license is actually qualified to teach (get ready for it) From Kindergarten to Grade 12.

I'm not at all sure we will make progress on that score (it seems too challenging a concept for HRH), but SuperChin and I did make some headway. She would Guarantee a Transfer for me for next year (really, not much of a gesture, since part of my Back-To-Work Durability plan includes the non-negotiable clause signed by my Doctor that I not return, ever, to H.El(l).

And I said to SuperChin: "I'm really struggling with the idea of leaving teaching altogether--I don't think it's healthy for me here anymore, but it bothers me that the best and brightest are being forced to leave Public Education"

Score 1-0, JOT.

The Minion

We had had our differences, but never had we not gotten along. Oh, but this year was different. It was gloves off time for me. As I was to become fond of saying, I was a real bitch that Fall--a bitch with a capital "C". I lashed out mainly at the Prince, but the Minion got a lot of my venom too. Not that it wasn't deserved. She had decided that he "wasn't so bad" and she defended him at every turn. She also spent an inordinate amount of time "filing" her special files in his office and chatting merrily away to him.

She got it full barrel from me when he told me she wouldn't take my class so that I could take the library. It wasn't that that made me so angry--as she found out--it was the fact that AGAIN someone was making secret deals behind everyone else's backs, and getting what they want. She, of course, never saw it, refused to believe that she was behaving in any way that was not altruistic. Then came the day she leveled her Minion Glare at me and said that she could not take any more of my anger and lashing out. That we had to work as a team. And she made sure I couldn't avoid the conversation by having it in the staffroom. In front of everyone. Bringing everyone into the melodrama, that of COURSE ended with a hugfest and minion pats-on-the back for being so brave.

And me......I got the empty satisfaction of saying what everyone already knew--I felt like something stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

Oh yeah, that was a great day. Topped only by the day I was told to go apologize to him. That was the day I left.

The 200 pound Incompetent Chipmunk

He sat smugly behind his desk. He had his benevolent dictator face on. The one he wore when he knew you didn't like what he had to say, but it was his job to make the hard decisions. If only he had figured out, somewhere along the line, that so many of the "unpopular" decisions he was forced to make were a direct result of his incompetent bungling. The other thing he didn't get was that Leaders are called upon all the time to make hard decisions, but a good leader can make even the worst situation bearable, because they have the trust of their employees. Trust and Respect. Completely Foreign Concepts.

So he sat there, as I went over all the reasons I had for recommending the staffing assignments I had-- If I were to take over the Library and Learning Assistance, the computer lab would be part of that, allowing for a deeper and richer use of educational technology (the subject area of my graduate degree, after all). He could teach grade 4, with his #1 minion, or with a n00b... but anyway.....I had a bunch of different scenarios, and they were all met with the same response: NO.....no....No....No....no....NO.....

And there we were. The perfect stalemate. He, of course, figuring he had won, and made the final staffing decisions: I would teach grade 4 full time, He would be the Learning Assistant *specialist* and the new staff member coming in, who had no interest, desire to learn or affinity for Library or technology would of course take over the Library.

One other person spoke out and supported me. One. Oh, but wait until you hear what his minion did.....oh boy......

Well, now it only hurts when I breathe

And so.....here it is well into the New Year, and checking my inner barometer, this is what I see:

I have shed most of the anger and bitterness

I see the strength in what I did, not the weakness

I am not "taking a rest" I am saving my spirit

I am, and will continue for some time to be, grieving.

It took me a while to get that-- even though it was one of the first things the counsellor said to me "You are grieving the loss of your job, as well as the loss of income and respect" (in referencing the 40% cut in time last year). I realize, and have added, that I also grieve the loss of the dream. I don't mean just that high and lofty "I'm going to change lives of Children" dream, but also the pedestrian dream of going to work everyday and liking your co-workers and having a beer with them on Friday night.

There are a few more hurdles yet in front of me-- I have an appointment with the Acting Super. How appropriate, as Acting Super is just what she does.

My plan is the lay out for her just what has gone on, and how it is now, while not her FAULT, it is her responsibility. We'll see how that goes.....

In the meanwhile, I prepare a blog in my head explaining how, as each day dawns, "E" is not the problem. He is a symptom, and he became the catalyst. But, he is not so relevant and powerful as to be the Root of the Problem. He is nothing more than a hair on one of the tributary roots.


Oh yes......I am taking back my power.....