I'll see your Grade 4 and raise you some dumb grade 7's

Yep, this is how it progresses. For awhile, I was one step forward two back, then for a long time it was one forward one back, now, I may be on the verge of two forward one back....we'll see how it progresses.

Telephone call from my Rehab worker:

"Hello JOT, how is everything [assorted small talk goes here], I was wondering what your thoughts were now about return to work?"


"Well" says I, "Now that I know I'm going to be put on the Must Transfer List, I feel quite ready to wait until the Fall to go back"

"Oh? What do you mean you Know you will be Transfered?"

"SuperChin said she would put me on the list herself"

"Did you get that in writing?"

Oh Crap.

So-- here is where we stand. The most HRH (Harridan of Human Resources) is willing to move is MAYBE she wondered if PERHAPS I might be capable of doing learning assistance for grade 7 or 8? She also, apparently, interpreted SuperChin's directive as a Forced Transfer MIGHT be a POSSIBILITY if nothing else can be worked out.

HRH's need to exert power grows ever-more apparent. And why? She must have hated her teachers when she was in school and has now dedicated her life to Pay-Back.

Sometimes, I get annoyed still, but mostly I just find I'm sort of looking on the antics from a place of bemused mild interest. It's going to work out, or it's not. I enjoy relaying these tales, because once again, truth is stranger than fiction, but the wounds have healed.....slowly but steadily.

Que Sera Sera, as they say

So I figured out who was responsible

Turns out it was me, all along. Oh no, I am not the one who is an incompetent, lying, useless toerag, but I am responsible for my own feelings. So here is the deal--HRH may well push me around and insist I am not qualified to teach above grade 6, the union may well continue to be feeble and ineffectual, and the Ghost of PHOD may hover over SuperChin's shoulder and create turmoil and grief. And there is no question on this Earth that the 200 pound Chipmunk will continue in his incompetent arrogance, remaining happily and haplessly oblivious to the destruction he leaves in his wake.

I may very well not get to do what I want to. I may very well be spoken to in ways that are harsh and unfair and reprehensible.

But.

I can feel however I want about it. They Cannot Make Me Feel any way I don't choose to.

They can "win"--and they might--but they cannot make me lose. Not anymore.

JOT 2-0

I can see Clearly Now the Fog is Thick

I decided in the end that I don't want to share my journey at the Shelter with the Internet. I am writing it, and I will share it individually with the people who witnessed and shared the time with me, but that's enough.

I awoke this morning after a restless and dream-filled night to a thick envelope of fog. How perfectly appropriate. A clear and brilliant sky, with rainbows and bunnies in the field and petals from early-spring flowers wafting past would really have been Over the Top, even for me. This has been a journey of weather-filled metaphors, and this fog, still so soft and still just outside my window, is enveloping me in softness-in gentle, calm ease. And as it clears, more will be revealed, but for now...Que Sera Sera.

I no longer feel like a victim, and I don't really care...ok, I don't care as much, about what is going on at H.El(l). I'm going to be Fine. And I'm going to take lots of time deciding on my next steps. In the meantime, I'm going to be well, and get weller... nope, I don't need no more schoolin'

JOT

The Retreat-Day 1-R E S P E C T

Confidentiality agreements guarantee that I can't reveal anything that is discussed in group beyond my own reactions. Here then, are my reactions to an experience that was billed as "LIFECHANGING!!" and "DON'T MISS IT!!!!".

Leaving the kids in the care of their dad and grandma, I set sail to a small, hippyesque Island to a Retreat for 5 nights and 5 heart wrenching, angst filled, challenging days.

The night I arrived, all the participants gathered to meet for the first time, and learn about what lay ahead.

There were around 20 participants, and a handful of facilitators. I was feeling quite strong and capable on the night, and full of high spirits and an open attitude. It happened that I was the first in the big circle to introduce myself, and did so, making light reference to my work situation, but alluding to the pain I was in. In the back of my mind was the *certainty* that as the days progressed and I revealed more about what brought me to this Shelter, there would be consensus and outrage and I would be cosseted and validated in my role as the victim. Some of that slipped away as I listened to the other stories in the circle. Stories of loss, and death, and illness and abandonment and Pain.

Ooops.

JOT was suddenly a little humbled.....By the end of the time, I embraced the fact that while I could put my situation into a different context and view it with a new perspective, and while on a Global Scale, mine was hardly a story destined for Movie-of-the-Week. This helped me, though, move from Victim Mode to I'm no longer under their control Mode. I was ready to accept that while what "they" had done was vile and reprehensible, I did not have to stay stuck in the Drama. It was not my problem if they were not ready to move on--I was. And I was...ready to move on.

New Job, Same as the Old Job

*Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hi JOT, I had a call from HR this morning and have a job you might be interested in. Can you call the Harridan of HR post haste?"


So I call. Her voice oooozing with that special sincerity the emotionally retarded reserve for use in only the rarest of cases, she answers her phone with "Oh JOT! How ARE you?" I can just see the smoochy face. "Yeah, good, say, my Rehab Worker told me about the job at C.El, but I'm really not ready to come back yet"

And the rest of the conversation is polite "Thanks for the call" "No Thank you for letting my know" "No, thank you for thinking of me".....etc.

Everyone was a little surprised that she had just Out of the Blue offered me a position (temporary, just to the end of the year). But here was the weird part-- there were several other jobs posted that week that I would have liked.....what was going on? When I checked back with my Rehab worker, apparently, the HRH is suspicious about my credentials. Apparently, she questions whether or not I have what it takes to teach anything outside of Grade 4. I look forward to disabusing her of that notion.

It was time to go to the top......in this case, the top of a Dung Heap, but still, to the top I went.

Part B--Taking Kryptonite to SuperChin

I booked an appointment to see the Superintendent just before I left for the Retreat. In fact, she isn't the ACTUAL Superintendent, she is the ACTING Superintendent. I like to say that "Acting Super" is what she does best. In any event, the irony of talking to her about this situation was her suggesting (rather firmly) that I not revisit past *wrong doings* as she was not Running the Ship (I said ship) back then, and bore no responsibility. She did note, however, that they had made an absolute mess of my position last year, but obviously has never put 2 and 2 together to realize her role in that--because she hired one of her friends for a job that I was so patently the best and most obvious candidate--so much so the beneficiary was horrified to learn what had happened--she assumed I must have turned down the offer of the position.

In any event, sitting in the Presence of Superness, I laid out my frustrations with the lack of vision and support (and accountability) in the office of HRH (a position, incidentally, filled by a person with no experience in Education beyond her own 3 years finishing grade 8). It seemed to be getting more and more difficult to explain to her that while in her last job in the lumber industry it may have been appropriate to require certification and tickets for certain positions, a teacher with a K-12 license is actually qualified to teach (get ready for it) From Kindergarten to Grade 12.

I'm not at all sure we will make progress on that score (it seems too challenging a concept for HRH), but SuperChin and I did make some headway. She would Guarantee a Transfer for me for next year (really, not much of a gesture, since part of my Back-To-Work Durability plan includes the non-negotiable clause signed by my Doctor that I not return, ever, to H.El(l).

And I said to SuperChin: "I'm really struggling with the idea of leaving teaching altogether--I don't think it's healthy for me here anymore, but it bothers me that the best and brightest are being forced to leave Public Education"

Score 1-0, JOT.