Merry Christmas, baby

I am not well yet-- little things remind me--like not being able to get enthusiastic about decorating for Christmas. On the other hand, I know change is afoot. Both kids with their heads in the mixing bowl the other night, asking WHY was mommy doing so much baking. Obviously, this is a new phenomenon for them.....

So the roast is about to go in, the potatoes are cooking, slowly, and the cookies and treats are ready, the house is warm and fragrant.....

And I am ready to, quietly, celebrate.

I better tell my friends...

So, finally, after a Skype Chat with Loki, I thought it was time to *release the hounds*. I sent an email and a link to this Blog to a few close friends, and then took a breath and posted a link on The Teacher Site I Belong To. So now....it's official. If you know me real time, or virtually, you know who is the author of this blog....you know who JustOneTeacher is. And you can probably hear the truth in my words, and you know how this has affected me.

But reaching out is part of healing. And you know what I'm like--I can't hide away alone.....

*smooches*


(The Email)

Hi everyone

Firstly, and most importantly, I hope you are all enjoying a restful, peaceful holiday--eat, drink and make with the merry.

Ok, back to me.

Since you've known me, you know that I have had a *unique* situation in my workplace. Not only is the atmosphere poisonous and horrible and just bad, I have been sent on the merry-go-round every year of being told I will be transfered (yay!) and then being told "Oh...not so much", (boo) and then other devices of torture are applied, randomly and with varying levels of intensity.

Well, finally, just like Popeye when he says "I can only takes so much and I can't takes no more", I left school on October 27th, took myself to the Dr. the next day and said, "I'm really feeling overwhelmed" and she took one look at me and said "Yeah, you are going home for 2 weeks, and then come back, and THEN we will talk about how or when you'll return to work".

So! Here I am, home on *Stress Leave* and loving every minute of it! Well-- not that there weren't a few dark days at the start, and I am still pretty raw, often, and as T. will attest, still close to tears, but I'm finally "taking advantage" of the system that has taken advantage of me for the last few years. I have accessed the EFAP Counsellor provided for me, and also a Rehab program sponsored by the union (You know the one, D.). As it stands now, I am off *at least* until March, am set to attend a retreat/course in February, have baked a variety of Christmas Treats and am just enjoying seeing little bits of myself return. Thank god I didn't lose them..

So-- I've (Of COURSE) written a blog about this journey. Here is a link to the very first post:

http://teacherteachme.blogspot.com/2006/11/yesterday-storm-was-raging.html

--you know how they work (read the rest from the bottom up). You know I tend to be a little dramatic, so don't be too alarmed by some of what you read there, if you read it all. I really wanted to document it at the time, in as honest and clear a way as I could.

I'm having good days, more than there are bad days, and I am accepting this as another turn in the path, another element that makes me who I am. Because of course, Popeye also says "I yam what I yam".

Thanks for understanding-- I knew you would. And don't worry. Eat spinach.

Much love,

The longest night

Last night was the longest stretch of darkness this year, and from here on the days get longer, there is more light, more day, less dark.

I'm not at all sure this hasn't been a journey of metaphors as much as anything else. It's interesting how my inner climate is reflected out of doors, though. To extend it a little, it occurred to me that contact with friends and others is part of this pattern. When the first storm hit, I pulled in, took shelter from the winds howling, the rain lashing and the anger of the elements.

Now that I seek or need my refuge less, I find myself more often reaching out. Including a whole bundle of outgoing Christmas cards, and chats with friends too long left ....in the dark.

They scold me for not leaning on them, and plead with me to let them help, and celebrate with me that I've taken steps--finally-- to improve a bad situation. And I mean "bad" in the sense of "soul-crushing evil".

As the sky brightens fully, finally, and promises an extra few minutes of daylight along with another chance to start again...and The Bare Naked Ladies are playing on iTunes

I’ve been burned before
You’re not fooling me there’s no mystery you've forgotten what you’re hiding for
Call it self-defense
You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

And I'm heading down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and start this new day. Work is miles away from me, and getting ever more distant.

I'm starting to look forward to the weather, come what may.

Hugged by the pale hand of death

No, it's not greater, more hysterical drama--it's an encounter with one of the Senior Admin. I didn't coin that nickname for her, but it sure suits....

The last time I had to deal with her officially was an event I referred to here:

How much do you overlook?

That was the day, just a little more than a year before I walked away, she put one of her pale, boney fingers in my face and said "Call us tomorrow with your choice, and the choice is *crappy job #1* or *worse crappy job #2*" Well, of course, I don't really take well to pressure at the best of times, and this was no exception. So, even though I'd been working at H.El(l). for 10 years, even though I had pleaded for a transfer, even though I had a graduate degree in a new burgeoning field, EVEN though I had been at the school for so long --still, they couldn't do the right thing. So, I made it easy for them. I wrote an email to every trustee, every member of senior admin, the union, the HR woman, the Super....the pale hand of death....and I told them I would not sacrifice my health and my integrity for the sake of THEIR error. So....I made up the "excess" by taking what I called an "Involuntary voluntary reduction in time". The union, of course, begged me not to do that, but I had no choice as I saw it-- if I was forced into either of the positions, I would be miserable, and spend the year awaiting an outcome in the "grievance" process.

The question I keep coming back to in my head is how do the people making those decisions sleep?


Anyway-- yesterday, I was waiting for a veggie burger from my favourite Health Food cafe, and in walks the PHOD, talking into her Blackberry (as usual). I prayed for the arrival of my Veggie Burger-to-go before her call ended, but no such luck. Not only does she make a bee line for me, she embraces me in a Boney Hug. Asks me how I am. Looks probingly into my eyes. Murmurs a soothing platitude about how a rest will be so good for me, and how glad she is I am taking care of myself. And I had to find it within myself to chuckle at the irony, later, my god-- it was in great part HER fault that I was in the predicament I was in.....and yet...... Accountability-- BIG buzzword in our district. Sure doesn't seem to apply to those who should most be held to it....

Incidentally.....

The Help Desk job, if it has been filled, has not been filled by me. No word yet, and the job closed 10 days ago.....doubtful I will hear anything now.

Would you not think that even a Form Email could be sent out, letting the Losers know? From what I understand, there was a sum total of 5 applicants. Really....how hard would it be to do the right thing......


Too hard, for this district, I guess, too damn hard....

Who is responsible?

If I am the one and only person responsible for my success, how much blame for what's gone on can I take? All of it, then? Or am I just a bit more powerless than I thought?

My attitude started to slip after my second child was born. I returned to work part time after my Mat leave, and things had begun to slide. The Prince at the time was nearing retirement-- as had been the 2 previous admin, and of course, little did I know then, the one to follow.

I don't know what changed-- it was a combination, I guess, of Enrollment Decline, increasing Teacher dissatisfaction, and changes in Senior Admin- changes that would lead to a regime of power-mad hostilities, and an atmosphere of mistrust and demoralization.

As I look back now, I see the beginnings in the constant negativity in the Staff Room. My "role" was always that of Cheerleader-- the morale booster. I got a fine thank you for my efforts at the end of that Prince's first year-- in my efforts to be convivial and my tendency to be outrageous, I was accused of impropriety -- in short, one of the staff was deputized to ask me if I was having an affair with him. Now, truth be told, I suppose he would have welcomed that, and I am a terrible flirt--but, we never, as they say "went there".....but that accusation, that loss of trust that followed, that raising of the barriers was the start of the end.

I have come to realize over these weeks that it is not enough to sit back and think thoughts like "Oh, it could be worse" or "It's not my problem" or "Just ignore it, no need to rock the boat".


It's not enough. When a colleague is hurting, when the atmosphere is poisonous, it is not enough to close your door and refuse to get involved.

At one point last year, D. said to me "We should have got up and walked out when he started talking to you like that" and later I thought....yes.....they should have. But it never happened......And then, one day, I was the one who got up and walked out.....