Merry Christmas, baby

I am not well yet-- little things remind me--like not being able to get enthusiastic about decorating for Christmas. On the other hand, I know change is afoot. Both kids with their heads in the mixing bowl the other night, asking WHY was mommy doing so much baking. Obviously, this is a new phenomenon for them.....

So the roast is about to go in, the potatoes are cooking, slowly, and the cookies and treats are ready, the house is warm and fragrant.....

And I am ready to, quietly, celebrate.

I better tell my friends...

So, finally, after a Skype Chat with Loki, I thought it was time to *release the hounds*. I sent an email and a link to this Blog to a few close friends, and then took a breath and posted a link on The Teacher Site I Belong To. So now....it's official. If you know me real time, or virtually, you know who is the author of this blog....you know who JustOneTeacher is. And you can probably hear the truth in my words, and you know how this has affected me.

But reaching out is part of healing. And you know what I'm like--I can't hide away alone.....

*smooches*


(The Email)

Hi everyone

Firstly, and most importantly, I hope you are all enjoying a restful, peaceful holiday--eat, drink and make with the merry.

Ok, back to me.

Since you've known me, you know that I have had a *unique* situation in my workplace. Not only is the atmosphere poisonous and horrible and just bad, I have been sent on the merry-go-round every year of being told I will be transfered (yay!) and then being told "Oh...not so much", (boo) and then other devices of torture are applied, randomly and with varying levels of intensity.

Well, finally, just like Popeye when he says "I can only takes so much and I can't takes no more", I left school on October 27th, took myself to the Dr. the next day and said, "I'm really feeling overwhelmed" and she took one look at me and said "Yeah, you are going home for 2 weeks, and then come back, and THEN we will talk about how or when you'll return to work".

So! Here I am, home on *Stress Leave* and loving every minute of it! Well-- not that there weren't a few dark days at the start, and I am still pretty raw, often, and as T. will attest, still close to tears, but I'm finally "taking advantage" of the system that has taken advantage of me for the last few years. I have accessed the EFAP Counsellor provided for me, and also a Rehab program sponsored by the union (You know the one, D.). As it stands now, I am off *at least* until March, am set to attend a retreat/course in February, have baked a variety of Christmas Treats and am just enjoying seeing little bits of myself return. Thank god I didn't lose them..

So-- I've (Of COURSE) written a blog about this journey. Here is a link to the very first post:

http://teacherteachme.blogspot.com/2006/11/yesterday-storm-was-raging.html

--you know how they work (read the rest from the bottom up). You know I tend to be a little dramatic, so don't be too alarmed by some of what you read there, if you read it all. I really wanted to document it at the time, in as honest and clear a way as I could.

I'm having good days, more than there are bad days, and I am accepting this as another turn in the path, another element that makes me who I am. Because of course, Popeye also says "I yam what I yam".

Thanks for understanding-- I knew you would. And don't worry. Eat spinach.

Much love,

The longest night

Last night was the longest stretch of darkness this year, and from here on the days get longer, there is more light, more day, less dark.

I'm not at all sure this hasn't been a journey of metaphors as much as anything else. It's interesting how my inner climate is reflected out of doors, though. To extend it a little, it occurred to me that contact with friends and others is part of this pattern. When the first storm hit, I pulled in, took shelter from the winds howling, the rain lashing and the anger of the elements.

Now that I seek or need my refuge less, I find myself more often reaching out. Including a whole bundle of outgoing Christmas cards, and chats with friends too long left ....in the dark.

They scold me for not leaning on them, and plead with me to let them help, and celebrate with me that I've taken steps--finally-- to improve a bad situation. And I mean "bad" in the sense of "soul-crushing evil".

As the sky brightens fully, finally, and promises an extra few minutes of daylight along with another chance to start again...and The Bare Naked Ladies are playing on iTunes

I’ve been burned before
You’re not fooling me there’s no mystery you've forgotten what you’re hiding for
Call it self-defense
You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

And I'm heading down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and start this new day. Work is miles away from me, and getting ever more distant.

I'm starting to look forward to the weather, come what may.

Hugged by the pale hand of death

No, it's not greater, more hysterical drama--it's an encounter with one of the Senior Admin. I didn't coin that nickname for her, but it sure suits....

The last time I had to deal with her officially was an event I referred to here:

How much do you overlook?

That was the day, just a little more than a year before I walked away, she put one of her pale, boney fingers in my face and said "Call us tomorrow with your choice, and the choice is *crappy job #1* or *worse crappy job #2*" Well, of course, I don't really take well to pressure at the best of times, and this was no exception. So, even though I'd been working at H.El(l). for 10 years, even though I had pleaded for a transfer, even though I had a graduate degree in a new burgeoning field, EVEN though I had been at the school for so long --still, they couldn't do the right thing. So, I made it easy for them. I wrote an email to every trustee, every member of senior admin, the union, the HR woman, the Super....the pale hand of death....and I told them I would not sacrifice my health and my integrity for the sake of THEIR error. So....I made up the "excess" by taking what I called an "Involuntary voluntary reduction in time". The union, of course, begged me not to do that, but I had no choice as I saw it-- if I was forced into either of the positions, I would be miserable, and spend the year awaiting an outcome in the "grievance" process.

The question I keep coming back to in my head is how do the people making those decisions sleep?


Anyway-- yesterday, I was waiting for a veggie burger from my favourite Health Food cafe, and in walks the PHOD, talking into her Blackberry (as usual). I prayed for the arrival of my Veggie Burger-to-go before her call ended, but no such luck. Not only does she make a bee line for me, she embraces me in a Boney Hug. Asks me how I am. Looks probingly into my eyes. Murmurs a soothing platitude about how a rest will be so good for me, and how glad she is I am taking care of myself. And I had to find it within myself to chuckle at the irony, later, my god-- it was in great part HER fault that I was in the predicament I was in.....and yet...... Accountability-- BIG buzzword in our district. Sure doesn't seem to apply to those who should most be held to it....

Incidentally.....

The Help Desk job, if it has been filled, has not been filled by me. No word yet, and the job closed 10 days ago.....doubtful I will hear anything now.

Would you not think that even a Form Email could be sent out, letting the Losers know? From what I understand, there was a sum total of 5 applicants. Really....how hard would it be to do the right thing......


Too hard, for this district, I guess, too damn hard....

Who is responsible?

If I am the one and only person responsible for my success, how much blame for what's gone on can I take? All of it, then? Or am I just a bit more powerless than I thought?

My attitude started to slip after my second child was born. I returned to work part time after my Mat leave, and things had begun to slide. The Prince at the time was nearing retirement-- as had been the 2 previous admin, and of course, little did I know then, the one to follow.

I don't know what changed-- it was a combination, I guess, of Enrollment Decline, increasing Teacher dissatisfaction, and changes in Senior Admin- changes that would lead to a regime of power-mad hostilities, and an atmosphere of mistrust and demoralization.

As I look back now, I see the beginnings in the constant negativity in the Staff Room. My "role" was always that of Cheerleader-- the morale booster. I got a fine thank you for my efforts at the end of that Prince's first year-- in my efforts to be convivial and my tendency to be outrageous, I was accused of impropriety -- in short, one of the staff was deputized to ask me if I was having an affair with him. Now, truth be told, I suppose he would have welcomed that, and I am a terrible flirt--but, we never, as they say "went there".....but that accusation, that loss of trust that followed, that raising of the barriers was the start of the end.

I have come to realize over these weeks that it is not enough to sit back and think thoughts like "Oh, it could be worse" or "It's not my problem" or "Just ignore it, no need to rock the boat".


It's not enough. When a colleague is hurting, when the atmosphere is poisonous, it is not enough to close your door and refuse to get involved.

At one point last year, D. said to me "We should have got up and walked out when he started talking to you like that" and later I thought....yes.....they should have. But it never happened......And then, one day, I was the one who got up and walked out.....

I just hurt

It's an amazing process to go through. I'm going along, having a pretty good day, when suddenly something knocks me for six. Today I was telling the counsellor about the help desk job. It was posted originally in Early October. I prepared a resume of beauty and jam-packed content. The wage was about 3/4 what I make, and outside of any union, although there are still bennies and stuff.

So. I applied, thinking that although I was vastly over-qualified, I was so desperate to be out of where I was, were they to offer me the job, I would snatch their hand off taking it. Well. The closing date came and went. Nothing. Next thing I know, the job is reposted, with a new closing date a month later....and do I get and email? a call? a form letter saying "Gee, we appreciate your interest, but we are still looking for a better person". No. Not even a "Well, we can't tell you WHY you suck, but if no one better comes along, you can keep your application in"

Nothing. Not so much as a By Your Leave.

I have a chat with someone in the IT office "In the Know"

IM with h

Me: so...no word from G at all. Do you have any idea what the Help Desk story is?

h: talked with G

Me: oh yes?


h: the scenario is he is unable to make direct contact with any of the applicants due to potential conflict with the hiring process and no this is not a line of total crap

Me (derisively):lol

h:the hiring committee decided they needed to repost

Me: nice

h:now - remember the hiring committee probably consists of P, HR and
one trustee

Me:Right-- so, the upshot is still that I would be wasting my time reapplying

h: G has 1 vote on the committee - if the committee as a whole doesn't feel there are at least 3 candidates of suitable qualifications, then they repost they need a field to interview now - G would not say that you did not have qualifications - he explained clearly he could not that again would provide evidence of a conflict should anyone in the hiring pool grieve later

Me (acrimoniously): Well, there isn't a question that I have the qualifications-- there is obviously "someone else" they are looking for

h:we both discussed your extreme value to the school district and the need to have you in a position

Me (exasperatedly): pffffft

h: or...you were the only qualified one from the field and there were no other qualified ones to compare you too....G knows how valuable you would be in any distance learning scenario that would arise it's almost like - you are walking through a manure field and you need to hold your nose a little longer without suffocating! it is a very tricky balance and you have been asked to do it far too long

Me (defeatedly): well, that will never happen, though, because they will never place me in a temp contract or move me mid year--I am about done.

h: you have been royally screwed - and you have a right to contest any posting remember too - any new position posted mid year has to be reposted come June

Me: I can't content excluded positions, and I cannot (read: will not) wait until next June, and then the June after that....and the June after that.........

h:I know.....you might need to take some personal time before it all gets toooooo very much

Me (indeed, done): Anyway-- I'd best go teach my class, or risk getting fired from a job I hate

As I write this, the second posting of the job ends tomorrow at 4. I wonder if I'll get a call over the weekend?


Pffffffft....as I said to h.

How much do you overlook?

C.'s husband asked me the other day if I thought the prince was just trying to get rid of me. I sort of laughed and said "that's the ironic part." He has never wanted "rid" of me--he knew that he should be thanking his lucky stars that I was on staff. There was no one to take on any of the technology issues or to spark creative ideas or bring the staff together. He was smart enough to recognize my worth, but too stupid to let me run with it. His form of leadership is maintaining a strangle hold and micro-managing every piece of minutia that sifts past.

Of course, he fits in very well in the district, since blatant incompetence coupled with talented butt kissing is the key to success.

Making it worse is the knowledge in my heart that he IS a decent man, that he DOES care about the kids and about us. And yet.... he just can't help being a complete ass.

There was the time a parent was attacking me for her daughter's bad attitude....why, they couldn't even get her to do her chores around the house any more, since she'd been in my class (this is the sort of mental process that makes me often proclaim "my god, people are idiots!" ). At one point in that meeting she threw one of her daughter's exercise books at me. I knew right then that the right thing to do was to get up and walk out. What stopped me was knowing that I could not trust the prince to not say something damaging to me or in some way sell me out in my absence. I realized with clarity in that moment that I was completely alone....I work with 30 kids and a dozen adults everyday, and I am completely alone.

This dangerous solitude would be responsible for a horrific decision I had to make just a few months later...

Jinxes and Cooties

Remember the third grade? Someone could give you boy germs or someone else's cooties, and you could pass them on to someone else. If you said "No Returns!" you couldn't get them back again from someone else in the chain.

I'm in a Cootie Free zone, right now. No give backs. I'm passing on the contamination, and it can't come back-- I won't allow it.

My job used to be fun-- I remember waterfights in the staffroom at lunch. I remember one Prince who even brought us in some "fruit punch" after a late-night fun fair. I remember getting rolled down the hall on an AV cart. I remember monthly pot-luck lunches and staff parties and gift exchanges.

I remember joy.

And yet....the lip-service is all there. We hear it all the time, the need for leadership, the need to *embrace* the skills and talents of our colleagues, the need to play, but I sure don't see the follow-through.

Why did I stop being able to rise above the politics and low morale? When did I start just putting one foot in front of the other and mindlessly Zombie-ing my way through the day.

It had been coming for some years-- I had tried to transfer out of there when we got this Prince. It was bad enough our school had become the dumping ground for retiring-- or should be retired--Princes at the end of their career, but this one came with some bad baggage.

In fact, the warning bells rang loudly when one day after his imminent arrival was heralded we, the staff, received a card from the staff of the school he was leaving......a sympathy card.

His movement from one school to another in the district over a period of 10 years belied the real pre-requisite for advancement here-- complete incompetence is what is needed. That and of course, the ever present "who you know".

It's pretty hard not to be cynical when you see who does get hired and advanced and accommodated.....while you sit on the outside.....hoping your luck changes. Because skill, talent, education, attitude and ability are not enough, apparently, when you are up against frank nepotism in an army of sycophants.


Gee...do I sound bitter? I guess that's because I am...

Turbidity

There is a water-consumption advisory today. No drinking without boiling. And still the rains are coming. The clouds part for a minute--even saw the sun for a moment today--but a minute later, the clouds return and you are in the cold grey light once more.

The storm has passed, but I am now dealing with the turbidity.....I can't quite see through the glass of water--can't even hazard a guess as to whether it's half full or half empty. I'm in no fit state to decide. Letting go and walking away has come with a price--stress is leaving my body, but as it boils up and escapes, it's causing some problems--zoning out, forgetting details, impatience. But the important thing is I know it's leaving.

T. called me last night to see how I was. She made the point that even though the Prince told the staff not to contact me, if they were not also suffering from the poison, they would have called me. They would have asked C. if they could-- knowing as they do we are in almost daily contact.

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. It reminds me that I am......done.

So this is the story.....

I'm still feeling pretty dazed....this is Day 15 off work. I realized I had hit the wall on October 27. I had 6 kids out of control out in the hall, I had a colleague tear my head off in the paper room, and I cried all through recess and my 40 minute prep block.


Oh hell....that can't be a good sign, I thought.

I made it to the end of the day, but I knew I wouldn't be back for awhile....in my heart, I knew there was a good chance I might not be back at all. How on earth had things gotten this bad?

I realized I was just like one of those women in an abusive marriage. I kept coming back every September, hiding my bruises and breaks. Of course, a wounded spirit is easier to hide than a black eye, and no one knows your very soul is being steadily and slowly smothered

Yesterday a Storm was Raging

When I sat at my desk late this morning, the sun broke through, clear and bright, and still with significant heat, for Mid-November.

Yesterday, the rivers were raging, homes and roads and fields were flooded, the winds were howling, and the world looked hostile.

Today, I was reminded that storms always pass.....this one will too.

Welcome. This is my story, and I'm writing it from what I fancy may well be the eye of my storm.

I am a teacher, by profession, by nature, by choice. My love of my craft almost cost me my sanity, my self.

I hope in these words, you find something to take away.....