So, this year, I am back full time. It's a bit of a challenge, but in that amusing karmic way the universe operates, it's come at a good time (down turn in the logging industry = my husband gainfully unemployed). It's going quite well, all things considered, and I have taken over the IT department, teaching 6 blocks of IT and one of Math. Which brings me to today's story.....
I was upbraided (rather thoroughly) for the first time by the Prince for an email I sent to the tech department. Prince thought I undermined him and said I was Pissing Them Off with my "constant" ranting. Naturally, I disagree with all this, but that's irrelevant.
I noticed two things about my reaction to this incident. I knew I was "right", although I certainly could afford to look at my behaviour. I also realized that this Prince was just like all the others- his own agenda, his own power-grab, his own "size issues". I was mad, and vented a little to a couple of staff members
Then I got over it.
I don't define myself according to what others think of me anymore, especially Authority Figures. I care what my peers and friends think, but mostly I care what I think.
Will I change my "email rants" behaviour? Sure. Will I change myself? nahhhhhh (-:
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Dear Blog.....it's been awhile
I couldn't decide whether to leave the blog as it is, telling one story start to end and then walking away. But it occurred to me that these stories don't ever really end, do they? We are the result of the life we have lived up to this moment.
So, while I'm happy to leave THAT story behind, I think this is a good venue to add new stories.
Let's move on.....
Eventually, I went back to work. I took a job at a local Middle School-- in fact, it's the Middle School that the kids from H.El attend, so indeed these stories don't ever end. It was good to reconnect with those kids, and to be reminded that it was for them that I kept coming out swinging (until I fell to the floor).
A year of half time work, a new staff, a new process, a new outlook. And trying very hard to live the life I want to-- I remind myself daily to Give out what I want to get back. It works, too, most days.
At the end of the year, I agreed to take a full time job in the Fall. It's time. Not long after I made that decision, I had a moment-- one of those Life Moments that remind you of who you are.
Thanks for reading.
My very first job was about 15 years ago. I was excited, eager, just out of Uni (you know the type). Took over a class of grade 4's from a woman who had taught for 35 years, was planning to retire in June, but couldn't make it because this class was SO AWFUL (and they really were-- unreal)
So in I went from Spring Break through to the end of the year. Blah blah blah, they were horrid, but I loved every one of them.
Saw The One the other day buying a coffee at Tim Horton's. He'd be about 23, 24 now I guess.
"Lukas?"
Puzzled look
"Do you recognize me?"
"You look familiar......" then when I say Grade 4, he remembers.
Usually it's the other way around, they come up to you, and you haven't a clue who this 6'4" kid is.
This boy, though, didn't write, couldn't read when I took the class, was about 80 pounds of anger and not much else. By the end of that year, he would write me little stories-- about 4 sentences long. I still have one. His mom gave me a card in which she wrote "You are the only teacher Lukas has ever taken to".
But I worried about him every time I saw him "hanging around town" after that, or whenever I thought of him.
On this day, however, when he realized who I was, he reached out to shake my hand, and went on to tell me he is doing really well-- working for a guy doing drywall, and driving a car that I could tell he saved money up to buy-- ie, 10 years old, but well cared for and it's his, not the leasing company's. He had a few "prison" tattoos on his fingers, and clearly had had some tough times (perhaps not in prison, but you know what I mean)
I told him I was so glad to see he was doing well. He smiled and thanked me and said "Yeah I am"
I was sobbing (not just a few tears in the eyes like right now as I retell it), but full on sobbing by the time I got in my car. It was a message I desperately needed right at that moment-- a reminder of what I do and why.
*sigh*
So, while I'm happy to leave THAT story behind, I think this is a good venue to add new stories.
Let's move on.....
Eventually, I went back to work. I took a job at a local Middle School-- in fact, it's the Middle School that the kids from H.El attend, so indeed these stories don't ever end. It was good to reconnect with those kids, and to be reminded that it was for them that I kept coming out swinging (until I fell to the floor).
A year of half time work, a new staff, a new process, a new outlook. And trying very hard to live the life I want to-- I remind myself daily to Give out what I want to get back. It works, too, most days.
At the end of the year, I agreed to take a full time job in the Fall. It's time. Not long after I made that decision, I had a moment-- one of those Life Moments that remind you of who you are.
Thanks for reading.
My very first job was about 15 years ago. I was excited, eager, just out of Uni (you know the type). Took over a class of grade 4's from a woman who had taught for 35 years, was planning to retire in June, but couldn't make it because this class was SO AWFUL (and they really were-- unreal)
So in I went from Spring Break through to the end of the year. Blah blah blah, they were horrid, but I loved every one of them.
Saw The One the other day buying a coffee at Tim Horton's. He'd be about 23, 24 now I guess.
"Lukas?"
Puzzled look
"Do you recognize me?"
"You look familiar......" then when I say Grade 4, he remembers.
Usually it's the other way around, they come up to you, and you haven't a clue who this 6'4" kid is.
This boy, though, didn't write, couldn't read when I took the class, was about 80 pounds of anger and not much else. By the end of that year, he would write me little stories-- about 4 sentences long. I still have one. His mom gave me a card in which she wrote "You are the only teacher Lukas has ever taken to".
But I worried about him every time I saw him "hanging around town" after that, or whenever I thought of him.
On this day, however, when he realized who I was, he reached out to shake my hand, and went on to tell me he is doing really well-- working for a guy doing drywall, and driving a car that I could tell he saved money up to buy-- ie, 10 years old, but well cared for and it's his, not the leasing company's. He had a few "prison" tattoos on his fingers, and clearly had had some tough times (perhaps not in prison, but you know what I mean)
I told him I was so glad to see he was doing well. He smiled and thanked me and said "Yeah I am"
I was sobbing (not just a few tears in the eyes like right now as I retell it), but full on sobbing by the time I got in my car. It was a message I desperately needed right at that moment-- a reminder of what I do and why.
*sigh*
Monday, September 3, 2007
Remember how this blg started with bad weather?
In about 12 hours I will be sitting down to my first staff meeting at my new school.....first time I've taught middle school, new site, new staff, new everything....including a 7:30 staff meeting.
How comically ironic that it is absolutely bucketing down rain.
And yet, it's funny-- maybe this is a reminder to me that my perspective has changed, my attitude has shifted--the rain doesn't seem dreary and threatening to me tonight-- it seems refreshing, and welcome.....a cool summer rain, quenching the earth, promising nourishment and succor.
It's a bit hard to believe my time is up-- how little I achieved in a year at home-- and how much I achieved. I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, and thinking....hey! You are going to do awesome.
And I shall. What a difference a year has made.....no fear, no despair.....and, no looking back.
How comically ironic that it is absolutely bucketing down rain.
And yet, it's funny-- maybe this is a reminder to me that my perspective has changed, my attitude has shifted--the rain doesn't seem dreary and threatening to me tonight-- it seems refreshing, and welcome.....a cool summer rain, quenching the earth, promising nourishment and succor.
It's a bit hard to believe my time is up-- how little I achieved in a year at home-- and how much I achieved. I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, and thinking....hey! You are going to do awesome.
And I shall. What a difference a year has made.....no fear, no despair.....and, no looking back.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Like the Phoenix.....
So, I've accepted a job, part time, at a local middle school. It happens that the school is where H.El(l) kids go when they escape move up, so I will know a bunch of the kids right off the bat.
The big thing is the shift in atmosphere and the improvement in my attitude. Thinking back to this time last year, I hardly recognize myself. I remember clearly the sense of dread, the complete lack of motivation and the desperate panic of not wanting to go back, and certainly not wanting to face Evil Chipmunk. The husband of course didn't understand, and wasn't especially sympathetic. It's all well and good to say "Just shut your door and do your job", but teaching just doesn't work that way.
So, this will be a growth year, for certain, and other opportunities continue to emerge.
And, most importantly, I'm gaining perspective, and learning to depend on my own sense of self, strength and right.
The big thing is the shift in atmosphere and the improvement in my attitude. Thinking back to this time last year, I hardly recognize myself. I remember clearly the sense of dread, the complete lack of motivation and the desperate panic of not wanting to go back, and certainly not wanting to face Evil Chipmunk. The husband of course didn't understand, and wasn't especially sympathetic. It's all well and good to say "Just shut your door and do your job", but teaching just doesn't work that way.
So, this will be a growth year, for certain, and other opportunities continue to emerge.
And, most importantly, I'm gaining perspective, and learning to depend on my own sense of self, strength and right.
Friday, June 29, 2007
The Last Farewell
So yesterday was it-- yesterday was the last day of school, the 200pound chipmunk's last day at the helm before officially retiring, the last day that I would be a member of staff. Had I stayed and struggled through this year (not an option) or returned at some point and finished the year, that Last Day would have looked very different. But I only have this path to follow, I can't be concerned about what lay down the others.
C let me know what time the farewell assembly was-- the one where all the awards were given, the teachers and parents thanked, and well-wishes proffered for those moving on. I don't exactly know why I wanted to go back, perhaps I felt I had something to prove. Perhaps I just wanted to lay old ghosts to rest.
I snuck in, after the assembly had begun, stopping first at the office to hand over my keys. As I turned them around the key ring, releasing them one by one, my hands shook as I placed them in the secretary's palm. I asked her to peek into the gym and see if there were seats still in the back, and so it was I snuck in like a thief to a place that I used to treat as a second home, and never felt unwelcome. Now, it seemed foreboding, and unfamiliar, and still rather toxic.
It felt quite surreal-- every mannerism, every joke, every display of his power and control was so familiarly repellant. It was amusing to see him talk for the whole hour, not giving anyone else the opportunity to speak or display mastery of crowd control. Mostly, I was embarrassed for him-- it was obvious why he went almost fully 2 years past retirement. It may have been love of the job, but more it was love of Power.
At the end, each class made a small presentation to him, and the crowning moment came when a grandma in the audience stood and said "I think we should all stand" and led a standing ovation. Well......all but one member of the audience. Maybe that was childish, and certainly it was in poor form, and had I not been sitting in the back I might not have had the cajones to sit there while everyone else around me rose and applauded. But there was No.Way.
I slipped out as the kids were leaving the gym and into my old room. I waited until the class came in, and in that moment realized what I had come for-- squeals of delight as the kids saw me, hugged me, scolded me for not coming back before. I didn't stay long, just enough to top up my tank.
On my way out the side door, D stopped me to give me a card and a gift certificate as my Farewell Present. I smirked when I saw the amount, for I knew right off it was at least half what they would have spent on the Chipmunk's present. I wondered how they arrived at the figure they had. It worked out to $5 a year I'd worked there.
That includes this year, though, so the joke's on them.....It reminds me how abusers and manipulators are able to keep the minions and the victims in their grip. Well. I didn't stand for him, nor get on my knees for him. He no longer has power over me.
He even wrote a message in my Good Bye card....but didn't sign his name. Ha. Perfect......
C let me know what time the farewell assembly was-- the one where all the awards were given, the teachers and parents thanked, and well-wishes proffered for those moving on. I don't exactly know why I wanted to go back, perhaps I felt I had something to prove. Perhaps I just wanted to lay old ghosts to rest.
I snuck in, after the assembly had begun, stopping first at the office to hand over my keys. As I turned them around the key ring, releasing them one by one, my hands shook as I placed them in the secretary's palm. I asked her to peek into the gym and see if there were seats still in the back, and so it was I snuck in like a thief to a place that I used to treat as a second home, and never felt unwelcome. Now, it seemed foreboding, and unfamiliar, and still rather toxic.
It felt quite surreal-- every mannerism, every joke, every display of his power and control was so familiarly repellant. It was amusing to see him talk for the whole hour, not giving anyone else the opportunity to speak or display mastery of crowd control. Mostly, I was embarrassed for him-- it was obvious why he went almost fully 2 years past retirement. It may have been love of the job, but more it was love of Power.
At the end, each class made a small presentation to him, and the crowning moment came when a grandma in the audience stood and said "I think we should all stand" and led a standing ovation. Well......all but one member of the audience. Maybe that was childish, and certainly it was in poor form, and had I not been sitting in the back I might not have had the cajones to sit there while everyone else around me rose and applauded. But there was No.Way.
I slipped out as the kids were leaving the gym and into my old room. I waited until the class came in, and in that moment realized what I had come for-- squeals of delight as the kids saw me, hugged me, scolded me for not coming back before. I didn't stay long, just enough to top up my tank.
On my way out the side door, D stopped me to give me a card and a gift certificate as my Farewell Present. I smirked when I saw the amount, for I knew right off it was at least half what they would have spent on the Chipmunk's present. I wondered how they arrived at the figure they had. It worked out to $5 a year I'd worked there.
That includes this year, though, so the joke's on them.....It reminds me how abusers and manipulators are able to keep the minions and the victims in their grip. Well. I didn't stand for him, nor get on my knees for him. He no longer has power over me.
He even wrote a message in my Good Bye card....but didn't sign his name. Ha. Perfect......
Saturday, June 23, 2007
The Longest Day
This week marked the start of summer, meaning that Thursday was the longest day. More daylight hours than dark...more light than night....
I toured my new school yesterday, met my department head, and some of my fellow teachers. The atmosphere is high energy. I can sense some uncertainty and some reserve, but by and large I saw that they were there for the kids. Adminstrivia was just that-- a nuisance, nothing more. There was no expectation that the Admin will meddle in our everyday lives. We will be left down the grade 7 hall to Get On With It.
I saw my new room. And I thought.....well. I am a Teacher again.......
I toured my new school yesterday, met my department head, and some of my fellow teachers. The atmosphere is high energy. I can sense some uncertainty and some reserve, but by and large I saw that they were there for the kids. Adminstrivia was just that-- a nuisance, nothing more. There was no expectation that the Admin will meddle in our everyday lives. We will be left down the grade 7 hall to Get On With It.
I saw my new room. And I thought.....well. I am a Teacher again.......
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Well...the sun shines, at last.
So, I'm thinking I'm maybe about ready to close off this blog-- not sure. In some ways it's served it's purpose of bearing witness to my journey this year. In another way, maybe I'd like to see it evolve and become the foundation of the new experiences I'm building....not sure yet.
In any event, here is the story....
HRH called me up in mid May, and suddenly, for the first time, there was no talk of me going back to H.El(l) There was not too much talk of me going places I wanted to go, but, I wasn't going back there. I felt like I had FINALLY gotten my pardon....
So--over the negotiations of the next few weeks, a position was found for me at a Middle School. Because I only wanted to go back part time, the District had the advantage (in that I was easier to place). In the end, I know I could have fought and demanded and insisted on all manner of things, but I realized that the Fight hadn't gone out of, I just wasn't interested in Doing Battle anymore. And--most importantly--I was done being a victim. I don't need anyone to *rescue* me, thank you. I will rescue myself. My position will be Math and Language Arts for Grade 7's, 60% (So I work on a continuous every-other-day pattern). It's not exactly what I was hoping for, but 2 things made me take the job--#1, it appeared magically overnight--I phoned the Prince to ask if there were going to be any opportunities at his site, and he said he didn't think so, certainly not in Grade 7....and then, the very next day, so there was. And #2--as I thought about it, the subjects and the site....I got that little warm wiggle in my belly that I have been waiting for for almost 2 years....the September Rush. So....even if I do end up leaving the field, NOW I know I will go because I choose to, having given my all, and leaving on my terms.
Or.....maybe I'll stay, and maybe find a whole new passion for my job.....er......my calling.
Thanks for checking in on me...I'm doing ok....
In any event, here is the story....
HRH called me up in mid May, and suddenly, for the first time, there was no talk of me going back to H.El(l) There was not too much talk of me going places I wanted to go, but, I wasn't going back there. I felt like I had FINALLY gotten my pardon....
So--over the negotiations of the next few weeks, a position was found for me at a Middle School. Because I only wanted to go back part time, the District had the advantage (in that I was easier to place). In the end, I know I could have fought and demanded and insisted on all manner of things, but I realized that the Fight hadn't gone out of, I just wasn't interested in Doing Battle anymore. And--most importantly--I was done being a victim. I don't need anyone to *rescue* me, thank you. I will rescue myself. My position will be Math and Language Arts for Grade 7's, 60% (So I work on a continuous every-other-day pattern). It's not exactly what I was hoping for, but 2 things made me take the job--#1, it appeared magically overnight--I phoned the Prince to ask if there were going to be any opportunities at his site, and he said he didn't think so, certainly not in Grade 7....and then, the very next day, so there was. And #2--as I thought about it, the subjects and the site....I got that little warm wiggle in my belly that I have been waiting for for almost 2 years....the September Rush. So....even if I do end up leaving the field, NOW I know I will go because I choose to, having given my all, and leaving on my terms.
Or.....maybe I'll stay, and maybe find a whole new passion for my job.....er......my calling.
Thanks for checking in on me...I'm doing ok....
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