Remember how this blg started with bad weather?

In about 12 hours I will be sitting down to my first staff meeting at my new school.....first time I've taught middle school, new site, new staff, new everything....including a 7:30 staff meeting.

How comically ironic that it is absolutely bucketing down rain.

And yet, it's funny-- maybe this is a reminder to me that my perspective has changed, my attitude has shifted--the rain doesn't seem dreary and threatening to me tonight-- it seems refreshing, and welcome.....a cool summer rain, quenching the earth, promising nourishment and succor.

It's a bit hard to believe my time is up-- how little I achieved in a year at home-- and how much I achieved. I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror, and thinking....hey! You are going to do awesome.

And I shall. What a difference a year has made.....no fear, no despair.....and, no looking back.

Like the Phoenix.....

So, I've accepted a job, part time, at a local middle school. It happens that the school is where H.El(l) kids go when they escape move up, so I will know a bunch of the kids right off the bat.

The big thing is the shift in atmosphere and the improvement in my attitude. Thinking back to this time last year, I hardly recognize myself. I remember clearly the sense of dread, the complete lack of motivation and the desperate panic of not wanting to go back, and certainly not wanting to face Evil Chipmunk. The husband of course didn't understand, and wasn't especially sympathetic. It's all well and good to say "Just shut your door and do your job", but teaching just doesn't work that way.

So, this will be a growth year, for certain, and other opportunities continue to emerge.

And, most importantly, I'm gaining perspective, and learning to depend on my own sense of self, strength and right.

The Last Farewell

So yesterday was it-- yesterday was the last day of school, the 200pound chipmunk's last day at the helm before officially retiring, the last day that I would be a member of staff. Had I stayed and struggled through this year (not an option) or returned at some point and finished the year, that Last Day would have looked very different. But I only have this path to follow, I can't be concerned about what lay down the others.

C let me know what time the farewell assembly was-- the one where all the awards were given, the teachers and parents thanked, and well-wishes proffered for those moving on. I don't exactly know why I wanted to go back, perhaps I felt I had something to prove. Perhaps I just wanted to lay old ghosts to rest.

I snuck in, after the assembly had begun, stopping first at the office to hand over my keys. As I turned them around the key ring, releasing them one by one, my hands shook as I placed them in the secretary's palm. I asked her to peek into the gym and see if there were seats still in the back, and so it was I snuck in like a thief to a place that I used to treat as a second home, and never felt unwelcome. Now, it seemed foreboding, and unfamiliar, and still rather toxic.

It felt quite surreal-- every mannerism, every joke, every display of his power and control was so familiarly repellant. It was amusing to see him talk for the whole hour, not giving anyone else the opportunity to speak or display mastery of crowd control. Mostly, I was embarrassed for him-- it was obvious why he went almost fully 2 years past retirement. It may have been love of the job, but more it was love of Power.

At the end, each class made a small presentation to him, and the crowning moment came when a grandma in the audience stood and said "I think we should all stand" and led a standing ovation. Well......all but one member of the audience. Maybe that was childish, and certainly it was in poor form, and had I not been sitting in the back I might not have had the cajones to sit there while everyone else around me rose and applauded. But there was No.Way.

I slipped out as the kids were leaving the gym and into my old room. I waited until the class came in, and in that moment realized what I had come for-- squeals of delight as the kids saw me, hugged me, scolded me for not coming back before. I didn't stay long, just enough to top up my tank.

On my way out the side door, D stopped me to give me a card and a gift certificate as my Farewell Present. I smirked when I saw the amount, for I knew right off it was at least half what they would have spent on the Chipmunk's present. I wondered how they arrived at the figure they had. It worked out to $5 a year I'd worked there.

That includes this year, though, so the joke's on them.....It reminds me how abusers and manipulators are able to keep the minions and the victims in their grip. Well. I didn't stand for him, nor get on my knees for him. He no longer has power over me.

He even wrote a message in my Good Bye card....but didn't sign his name. Ha. Perfect......

The Longest Day

This week marked the start of summer, meaning that Thursday was the longest day. More daylight hours than dark...more light than night....


I toured my new school yesterday, met my department head, and some of my fellow teachers. The atmosphere is high energy. I can sense some uncertainty and some reserve, but by and large I saw that they were there for the kids. Adminstrivia was just that-- a nuisance, nothing more. There was no expectation that the Admin will meddle in our everyday lives. We will be left down the grade 7 hall to Get On With It.


I saw my new room. And I thought.....well. I am a Teacher again.......

Well...the sun shines, at last.

So, I'm thinking I'm maybe about ready to close off this blog-- not sure. In some ways it's served it's purpose of bearing witness to my journey this year. In another way, maybe I'd like to see it evolve and become the foundation of the new experiences I'm building....not sure yet.

In any event, here is the story....

HRH called me up in mid May, and suddenly, for the first time, there was no talk of me going back to H.El(l) There was not too much talk of me going places I wanted to go, but, I wasn't going back there. I felt like I had FINALLY gotten my pardon....

So--over the negotiations of the next few weeks, a position was found for me at a Middle School. Because I only wanted to go back part time, the District had the advantage (in that I was easier to place). In the end, I know I could have fought and demanded and insisted on all manner of things, but I realized that the Fight hadn't gone out of, I just wasn't interested in Doing Battle anymore. And--most importantly--I was done being a victim. I don't need anyone to *rescue* me, thank you. I will rescue myself. My position will be Math and Language Arts for Grade 7's, 60% (So I work on a continuous every-other-day pattern). It's not exactly what I was hoping for, but 2 things made me take the job--#1, it appeared magically overnight--I phoned the Prince to ask if there were going to be any opportunities at his site, and he said he didn't think so, certainly not in Grade 7....and then, the very next day, so there was. And #2--as I thought about it, the subjects and the site....I got that little warm wiggle in my belly that I have been waiting for for almost 2 years....the September Rush. So....even if I do end up leaving the field, NOW I know I will go because I choose to, having given my all, and leaving on my terms.

Or.....maybe I'll stay, and maybe find a whole new passion for my job.....er......my calling.

Thanks for checking in on me...I'm doing ok....

I love the smell of irony in the morning

So in the span of one week I experienced that exquisite feeling of going from the sublime to the ridiculous. I got a job offer (very very short term-- a 2 week contract) it was offered to me sight unseen, purely on the merit of a recommendation and my CV on file. It's fairly lucrative-- about $250 a day--depending on how fast I work, I guess, but with the potential to be that start of Big Things. The contract is with a Government Agency that oversees converting classroom content to packaged courses -- both print and online.

So...I happily accept the job which happens to be doing the Instructional Design on a grade 12 course. Brilliant-- I'm all excited. That's the sublime moment, followed days later by another conversation with the HRH who (just to cut to the chase) is still insisting that I cannot be considered for teaching positions at the Secondary Level. They HAVE to have experienced teachers in those halls.....


After I complete the Gov't Contract, I will know more about that course than any teacher in the province. And yet. HRH would STILL not deem me suitable to teach it....It would be laughable were it not so pathetic....

Lunch call

I got a ring from a colleague from H.El(l) the other day, wondering, as it was Spring Break, would I like to meet her and another teacher for lunch. I happily agreed and looked forward to seeing them the next day.

But it's funny how things go. It was a nice lunch, and it was great to see them, but the first hitch came when I couldn't find a place for the kids to go, and ended up taking them with me. In retrospect, I realized that must have been intentional, in a subconscious attempt to forestall any talk of things I would find difficult.

It must have been so, for when I told them I wouldn't be back to H.El(l), I could feel the anxiety and discomfort tightening my throat. Hmmmm.....*she moves in mysterious ways*

So, next step is to start closing those doors, tidying up, officially letting go.

Oh, yeah--I can handle that.