So I figured out who was responsible

Turns out it was me, all along. Oh no, I am not the one who is an incompetent, lying, useless toerag, but I am responsible for my own feelings. So here is the deal--HRH may well push me around and insist I am not qualified to teach above grade 6, the union may well continue to be feeble and ineffectual, and the Ghost of PHOD may hover over SuperChin's shoulder and create turmoil and grief. And there is no question on this Earth that the 200 pound Chipmunk will continue in his incompetent arrogance, remaining happily and haplessly oblivious to the destruction he leaves in his wake.

I may very well not get to do what I want to. I may very well be spoken to in ways that are harsh and unfair and reprehensible.

But.

I can feel however I want about it. They Cannot Make Me Feel any way I don't choose to.

They can "win"--and they might--but they cannot make me lose. Not anymore.

JOT 2-0

I can see Clearly Now the Fog is Thick

I decided in the end that I don't want to share my journey at the Shelter with the Internet. I am writing it, and I will share it individually with the people who witnessed and shared the time with me, but that's enough.

I awoke this morning after a restless and dream-filled night to a thick envelope of fog. How perfectly appropriate. A clear and brilliant sky, with rainbows and bunnies in the field and petals from early-spring flowers wafting past would really have been Over the Top, even for me. This has been a journey of weather-filled metaphors, and this fog, still so soft and still just outside my window, is enveloping me in softness-in gentle, calm ease. And as it clears, more will be revealed, but for now...Que Sera Sera.

I no longer feel like a victim, and I don't really care...ok, I don't care as much, about what is going on at H.El(l). I'm going to be Fine. And I'm going to take lots of time deciding on my next steps. In the meantime, I'm going to be well, and get weller... nope, I don't need no more schoolin'

JOT

The Retreat-Day 1-R E S P E C T

Confidentiality agreements guarantee that I can't reveal anything that is discussed in group beyond my own reactions. Here then, are my reactions to an experience that was billed as "LIFECHANGING!!" and "DON'T MISS IT!!!!".

Leaving the kids in the care of their dad and grandma, I set sail to a small, hippyesque Island to a Retreat for 5 nights and 5 heart wrenching, angst filled, challenging days.

The night I arrived, all the participants gathered to meet for the first time, and learn about what lay ahead.

There were around 20 participants, and a handful of facilitators. I was feeling quite strong and capable on the night, and full of high spirits and an open attitude. It happened that I was the first in the big circle to introduce myself, and did so, making light reference to my work situation, but alluding to the pain I was in. In the back of my mind was the *certainty* that as the days progressed and I revealed more about what brought me to this Shelter, there would be consensus and outrage and I would be cosseted and validated in my role as the victim. Some of that slipped away as I listened to the other stories in the circle. Stories of loss, and death, and illness and abandonment and Pain.

Ooops.

JOT was suddenly a little humbled.....By the end of the time, I embraced the fact that while I could put my situation into a different context and view it with a new perspective, and while on a Global Scale, mine was hardly a story destined for Movie-of-the-Week. This helped me, though, move from Victim Mode to I'm no longer under their control Mode. I was ready to accept that while what "they" had done was vile and reprehensible, I did not have to stay stuck in the Drama. It was not my problem if they were not ready to move on--I was. And I was...ready to move on.

New Job, Same as the Old Job

*Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hi JOT, I had a call from HR this morning and have a job you might be interested in. Can you call the Harridan of HR post haste?"


So I call. Her voice oooozing with that special sincerity the emotionally retarded reserve for use in only the rarest of cases, she answers her phone with "Oh JOT! How ARE you?" I can just see the smoochy face. "Yeah, good, say, my Rehab Worker told me about the job at C.El, but I'm really not ready to come back yet"

And the rest of the conversation is polite "Thanks for the call" "No Thank you for letting my know" "No, thank you for thinking of me".....etc.

Everyone was a little surprised that she had just Out of the Blue offered me a position (temporary, just to the end of the year). But here was the weird part-- there were several other jobs posted that week that I would have liked.....what was going on? When I checked back with my Rehab worker, apparently, the HRH is suspicious about my credentials. Apparently, she questions whether or not I have what it takes to teach anything outside of Grade 4. I look forward to disabusing her of that notion.

It was time to go to the top......in this case, the top of a Dung Heap, but still, to the top I went.

Part B--Taking Kryptonite to SuperChin

I booked an appointment to see the Superintendent just before I left for the Retreat. In fact, she isn't the ACTUAL Superintendent, she is the ACTING Superintendent. I like to say that "Acting Super" is what she does best. In any event, the irony of talking to her about this situation was her suggesting (rather firmly) that I not revisit past *wrong doings* as she was not Running the Ship (I said ship) back then, and bore no responsibility. She did note, however, that they had made an absolute mess of my position last year, but obviously has never put 2 and 2 together to realize her role in that--because she hired one of her friends for a job that I was so patently the best and most obvious candidate--so much so the beneficiary was horrified to learn what had happened--she assumed I must have turned down the offer of the position.

In any event, sitting in the Presence of Superness, I laid out my frustrations with the lack of vision and support (and accountability) in the office of HRH (a position, incidentally, filled by a person with no experience in Education beyond her own 3 years finishing grade 8). It seemed to be getting more and more difficult to explain to her that while in her last job in the lumber industry it may have been appropriate to require certification and tickets for certain positions, a teacher with a K-12 license is actually qualified to teach (get ready for it) From Kindergarten to Grade 12.

I'm not at all sure we will make progress on that score (it seems too challenging a concept for HRH), but SuperChin and I did make some headway. She would Guarantee a Transfer for me for next year (really, not much of a gesture, since part of my Back-To-Work Durability plan includes the non-negotiable clause signed by my Doctor that I not return, ever, to H.El(l).

And I said to SuperChin: "I'm really struggling with the idea of leaving teaching altogether--I don't think it's healthy for me here anymore, but it bothers me that the best and brightest are being forced to leave Public Education"

Score 1-0, JOT.

The Minion

We had had our differences, but never had we not gotten along. Oh, but this year was different. It was gloves off time for me. As I was to become fond of saying, I was a real bitch that Fall--a bitch with a capital "C". I lashed out mainly at the Prince, but the Minion got a lot of my venom too. Not that it wasn't deserved. She had decided that he "wasn't so bad" and she defended him at every turn. She also spent an inordinate amount of time "filing" her special files in his office and chatting merrily away to him.

She got it full barrel from me when he told me she wouldn't take my class so that I could take the library. It wasn't that that made me so angry--as she found out--it was the fact that AGAIN someone was making secret deals behind everyone else's backs, and getting what they want. She, of course, never saw it, refused to believe that she was behaving in any way that was not altruistic. Then came the day she leveled her Minion Glare at me and said that she could not take any more of my anger and lashing out. That we had to work as a team. And she made sure I couldn't avoid the conversation by having it in the staffroom. In front of everyone. Bringing everyone into the melodrama, that of COURSE ended with a hugfest and minion pats-on-the back for being so brave.

And me......I got the empty satisfaction of saying what everyone already knew--I felt like something stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

Oh yeah, that was a great day. Topped only by the day I was told to go apologize to him. That was the day I left.

The 200 pound Incompetent Chipmunk

He sat smugly behind his desk. He had his benevolent dictator face on. The one he wore when he knew you didn't like what he had to say, but it was his job to make the hard decisions. If only he had figured out, somewhere along the line, that so many of the "unpopular" decisions he was forced to make were a direct result of his incompetent bungling. The other thing he didn't get was that Leaders are called upon all the time to make hard decisions, but a good leader can make even the worst situation bearable, because they have the trust of their employees. Trust and Respect. Completely Foreign Concepts.

So he sat there, as I went over all the reasons I had for recommending the staffing assignments I had-- If I were to take over the Library and Learning Assistance, the computer lab would be part of that, allowing for a deeper and richer use of educational technology (the subject area of my graduate degree, after all). He could teach grade 4, with his #1 minion, or with a n00b... but anyway.....I had a bunch of different scenarios, and they were all met with the same response: NO.....no....No....No....no....NO.....

And there we were. The perfect stalemate. He, of course, figuring he had won, and made the final staffing decisions: I would teach grade 4 full time, He would be the Learning Assistant *specialist* and the new staff member coming in, who had no interest, desire to learn or affinity for Library or technology would of course take over the Library.

One other person spoke out and supported me. One. Oh, but wait until you hear what his minion did.....oh boy......

Well, now it only hurts when I breathe

And so.....here it is well into the New Year, and checking my inner barometer, this is what I see:

I have shed most of the anger and bitterness

I see the strength in what I did, not the weakness

I am not "taking a rest" I am saving my spirit

I am, and will continue for some time to be, grieving.

It took me a while to get that-- even though it was one of the first things the counsellor said to me "You are grieving the loss of your job, as well as the loss of income and respect" (in referencing the 40% cut in time last year). I realize, and have added, that I also grieve the loss of the dream. I don't mean just that high and lofty "I'm going to change lives of Children" dream, but also the pedestrian dream of going to work everyday and liking your co-workers and having a beer with them on Friday night.

There are a few more hurdles yet in front of me-- I have an appointment with the Acting Super. How appropriate, as Acting Super is just what she does.

My plan is the lay out for her just what has gone on, and how it is now, while not her FAULT, it is her responsibility. We'll see how that goes.....

In the meanwhile, I prepare a blog in my head explaining how, as each day dawns, "E" is not the problem. He is a symptom, and he became the catalyst. But, he is not so relevant and powerful as to be the Root of the Problem. He is nothing more than a hair on one of the tributary roots.


Oh yes......I am taking back my power.....