The Minion

We had had our differences, but never had we not gotten along. Oh, but this year was different. It was gloves off time for me. As I was to become fond of saying, I was a real bitch that Fall--a bitch with a capital "C". I lashed out mainly at the Prince, but the Minion got a lot of my venom too. Not that it wasn't deserved. She had decided that he "wasn't so bad" and she defended him at every turn. She also spent an inordinate amount of time "filing" her special files in his office and chatting merrily away to him.

She got it full barrel from me when he told me she wouldn't take my class so that I could take the library. It wasn't that that made me so angry--as she found out--it was the fact that AGAIN someone was making secret deals behind everyone else's backs, and getting what they want. She, of course, never saw it, refused to believe that she was behaving in any way that was not altruistic. Then came the day she leveled her Minion Glare at me and said that she could not take any more of my anger and lashing out. That we had to work as a team. And she made sure I couldn't avoid the conversation by having it in the staffroom. In front of everyone. Bringing everyone into the melodrama, that of COURSE ended with a hugfest and minion pats-on-the back for being so brave.

And me......I got the empty satisfaction of saying what everyone already knew--I felt like something stuck to the bottom of a shoe.

Oh yeah, that was a great day. Topped only by the day I was told to go apologize to him. That was the day I left.

The 200 pound Incompetent Chipmunk

He sat smugly behind his desk. He had his benevolent dictator face on. The one he wore when he knew you didn't like what he had to say, but it was his job to make the hard decisions. If only he had figured out, somewhere along the line, that so many of the "unpopular" decisions he was forced to make were a direct result of his incompetent bungling. The other thing he didn't get was that Leaders are called upon all the time to make hard decisions, but a good leader can make even the worst situation bearable, because they have the trust of their employees. Trust and Respect. Completely Foreign Concepts.

So he sat there, as I went over all the reasons I had for recommending the staffing assignments I had-- If I were to take over the Library and Learning Assistance, the computer lab would be part of that, allowing for a deeper and richer use of educational technology (the subject area of my graduate degree, after all). He could teach grade 4, with his #1 minion, or with a n00b... but anyway.....I had a bunch of different scenarios, and they were all met with the same response: NO.....no....No....No....no....NO.....

And there we were. The perfect stalemate. He, of course, figuring he had won, and made the final staffing decisions: I would teach grade 4 full time, He would be the Learning Assistant *specialist* and the new staff member coming in, who had no interest, desire to learn or affinity for Library or technology would of course take over the Library.

One other person spoke out and supported me. One. Oh, but wait until you hear what his minion did.....oh boy......

Well, now it only hurts when I breathe

And so.....here it is well into the New Year, and checking my inner barometer, this is what I see:

I have shed most of the anger and bitterness

I see the strength in what I did, not the weakness

I am not "taking a rest" I am saving my spirit

I am, and will continue for some time to be, grieving.

It took me a while to get that-- even though it was one of the first things the counsellor said to me "You are grieving the loss of your job, as well as the loss of income and respect" (in referencing the 40% cut in time last year). I realize, and have added, that I also grieve the loss of the dream. I don't mean just that high and lofty "I'm going to change lives of Children" dream, but also the pedestrian dream of going to work everyday and liking your co-workers and having a beer with them on Friday night.

There are a few more hurdles yet in front of me-- I have an appointment with the Acting Super. How appropriate, as Acting Super is just what she does.

My plan is the lay out for her just what has gone on, and how it is now, while not her FAULT, it is her responsibility. We'll see how that goes.....

In the meanwhile, I prepare a blog in my head explaining how, as each day dawns, "E" is not the problem. He is a symptom, and he became the catalyst. But, he is not so relevant and powerful as to be the Root of the Problem. He is nothing more than a hair on one of the tributary roots.


Oh yes......I am taking back my power.....

Merry Christmas, baby

I am not well yet-- little things remind me--like not being able to get enthusiastic about decorating for Christmas. On the other hand, I know change is afoot. Both kids with their heads in the mixing bowl the other night, asking WHY was mommy doing so much baking. Obviously, this is a new phenomenon for them.....

So the roast is about to go in, the potatoes are cooking, slowly, and the cookies and treats are ready, the house is warm and fragrant.....

And I am ready to, quietly, celebrate.

I better tell my friends...

So, finally, after a Skype Chat with Loki, I thought it was time to *release the hounds*. I sent an email and a link to this Blog to a few close friends, and then took a breath and posted a link on The Teacher Site I Belong To. So now....it's official. If you know me real time, or virtually, you know who is the author of this blog....you know who JustOneTeacher is. And you can probably hear the truth in my words, and you know how this has affected me.

But reaching out is part of healing. And you know what I'm like--I can't hide away alone.....

*smooches*


(The Email)

Hi everyone

Firstly, and most importantly, I hope you are all enjoying a restful, peaceful holiday--eat, drink and make with the merry.

Ok, back to me.

Since you've known me, you know that I have had a *unique* situation in my workplace. Not only is the atmosphere poisonous and horrible and just bad, I have been sent on the merry-go-round every year of being told I will be transfered (yay!) and then being told "Oh...not so much", (boo) and then other devices of torture are applied, randomly and with varying levels of intensity.

Well, finally, just like Popeye when he says "I can only takes so much and I can't takes no more", I left school on October 27th, took myself to the Dr. the next day and said, "I'm really feeling overwhelmed" and she took one look at me and said "Yeah, you are going home for 2 weeks, and then come back, and THEN we will talk about how or when you'll return to work".

So! Here I am, home on *Stress Leave* and loving every minute of it! Well-- not that there weren't a few dark days at the start, and I am still pretty raw, often, and as T. will attest, still close to tears, but I'm finally "taking advantage" of the system that has taken advantage of me for the last few years. I have accessed the EFAP Counsellor provided for me, and also a Rehab program sponsored by the union (You know the one, D.). As it stands now, I am off *at least* until March, am set to attend a retreat/course in February, have baked a variety of Christmas Treats and am just enjoying seeing little bits of myself return. Thank god I didn't lose them..

So-- I've (Of COURSE) written a blog about this journey. Here is a link to the very first post:

http://teacherteachme.blogspot.com/2006/11/yesterday-storm-was-raging.html

--you know how they work (read the rest from the bottom up). You know I tend to be a little dramatic, so don't be too alarmed by some of what you read there, if you read it all. I really wanted to document it at the time, in as honest and clear a way as I could.

I'm having good days, more than there are bad days, and I am accepting this as another turn in the path, another element that makes me who I am. Because of course, Popeye also says "I yam what I yam".

Thanks for understanding-- I knew you would. And don't worry. Eat spinach.

Much love,

The longest night

Last night was the longest stretch of darkness this year, and from here on the days get longer, there is more light, more day, less dark.

I'm not at all sure this hasn't been a journey of metaphors as much as anything else. It's interesting how my inner climate is reflected out of doors, though. To extend it a little, it occurred to me that contact with friends and others is part of this pattern. When the first storm hit, I pulled in, took shelter from the winds howling, the rain lashing and the anger of the elements.

Now that I seek or need my refuge less, I find myself more often reaching out. Including a whole bundle of outgoing Christmas cards, and chats with friends too long left ....in the dark.

They scold me for not leaning on them, and plead with me to let them help, and celebrate with me that I've taken steps--finally-- to improve a bad situation. And I mean "bad" in the sense of "soul-crushing evil".

As the sky brightens fully, finally, and promises an extra few minutes of daylight along with another chance to start again...and The Bare Naked Ladies are playing on iTunes

I’ve been burned before
You’re not fooling me there’s no mystery you've forgotten what you’re hiding for
Call it self-defense
You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

And I'm heading down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and start this new day. Work is miles away from me, and getting ever more distant.

I'm starting to look forward to the weather, come what may.

Hugged by the pale hand of death

No, it's not greater, more hysterical drama--it's an encounter with one of the Senior Admin. I didn't coin that nickname for her, but it sure suits....

The last time I had to deal with her officially was an event I referred to here:

How much do you overlook?

That was the day, just a little more than a year before I walked away, she put one of her pale, boney fingers in my face and said "Call us tomorrow with your choice, and the choice is *crappy job #1* or *worse crappy job #2*" Well, of course, I don't really take well to pressure at the best of times, and this was no exception. So, even though I'd been working at H.El(l). for 10 years, even though I had pleaded for a transfer, even though I had a graduate degree in a new burgeoning field, EVEN though I had been at the school for so long --still, they couldn't do the right thing. So, I made it easy for them. I wrote an email to every trustee, every member of senior admin, the union, the HR woman, the Super....the pale hand of death....and I told them I would not sacrifice my health and my integrity for the sake of THEIR error. So....I made up the "excess" by taking what I called an "Involuntary voluntary reduction in time". The union, of course, begged me not to do that, but I had no choice as I saw it-- if I was forced into either of the positions, I would be miserable, and spend the year awaiting an outcome in the "grievance" process.

The question I keep coming back to in my head is how do the people making those decisions sleep?


Anyway-- yesterday, I was waiting for a veggie burger from my favourite Health Food cafe, and in walks the PHOD, talking into her Blackberry (as usual). I prayed for the arrival of my Veggie Burger-to-go before her call ended, but no such luck. Not only does she make a bee line for me, she embraces me in a Boney Hug. Asks me how I am. Looks probingly into my eyes. Murmurs a soothing platitude about how a rest will be so good for me, and how glad she is I am taking care of myself. And I had to find it within myself to chuckle at the irony, later, my god-- it was in great part HER fault that I was in the predicament I was in.....and yet...... Accountability-- BIG buzzword in our district. Sure doesn't seem to apply to those who should most be held to it....