Some new some Same Old

So, this year, I am back full time. It's a bit of a challenge, but in that amusing karmic way the universe operates, it's come at a good time (down turn in the logging industry = my husband gainfully unemployed). It's going quite well, all things considered, and I have taken over the IT department, teaching 6 blocks of IT and one of Math. Which brings me to today's story.....

I was upbraided (rather thoroughly) for the first time by the Prince for an email I sent to the tech department. Prince thought I undermined him and said I was Pissing Them Off with my "constant" ranting. Naturally, I disagree with all this, but that's irrelevant.

I noticed two things about my reaction to this incident. I knew I was "right", although I certainly could afford to look at my behaviour. I also realized that this Prince was just like all the others- his own agenda, his own power-grab, his own "size issues". I was mad, and vented a little to a couple of staff members

Then I got over it.

I don't define myself according to what others think of me anymore, especially Authority Figures. I care what my peers and friends think, but mostly I care what I think.

Will I change my "email rants" behaviour? Sure. Will I change myself? nahhhhhh (-:

Well, now it only hurts when I breathe

And so.....here it is well into the New Year, and checking my inner barometer, this is what I see:

I have shed most of the anger and bitterness

I see the strength in what I did, not the weakness

I am not "taking a rest" I am saving my spirit

I am, and will continue for some time to be, grieving.

It took me a while to get that-- even though it was one of the first things the counsellor said to me "You are grieving the loss of your job, as well as the loss of income and respect" (in referencing the 40% cut in time last year). I realize, and have added, that I also grieve the loss of the dream. I don't mean just that high and lofty "I'm going to change lives of Children" dream, but also the pedestrian dream of going to work everyday and liking your co-workers and having a beer with them on Friday night.

There are a few more hurdles yet in front of me-- I have an appointment with the Acting Super. How appropriate, as Acting Super is just what she does.

My plan is the lay out for her just what has gone on, and how it is now, while not her FAULT, it is her responsibility. We'll see how that goes.....

In the meanwhile, I prepare a blog in my head explaining how, as each day dawns, "E" is not the problem. He is a symptom, and he became the catalyst. But, he is not so relevant and powerful as to be the Root of the Problem. He is nothing more than a hair on one of the tributary roots.


Oh yes......I am taking back my power.....