The Retreat-Day 1-R E S P E C T

Confidentiality agreements guarantee that I can't reveal anything that is discussed in group beyond my own reactions. Here then, are my reactions to an experience that was billed as "LIFECHANGING!!" and "DON'T MISS IT!!!!".

Leaving the kids in the care of their dad and grandma, I set sail to a small, hippyesque Island to a Retreat for 5 nights and 5 heart wrenching, angst filled, challenging days.

The night I arrived, all the participants gathered to meet for the first time, and learn about what lay ahead.

There were around 20 participants, and a handful of facilitators. I was feeling quite strong and capable on the night, and full of high spirits and an open attitude. It happened that I was the first in the big circle to introduce myself, and did so, making light reference to my work situation, but alluding to the pain I was in. In the back of my mind was the *certainty* that as the days progressed and I revealed more about what brought me to this Shelter, there would be consensus and outrage and I would be cosseted and validated in my role as the victim. Some of that slipped away as I listened to the other stories in the circle. Stories of loss, and death, and illness and abandonment and Pain.

Ooops.

JOT was suddenly a little humbled.....By the end of the time, I embraced the fact that while I could put my situation into a different context and view it with a new perspective, and while on a Global Scale, mine was hardly a story destined for Movie-of-the-Week. This helped me, though, move from Victim Mode to I'm no longer under their control Mode. I was ready to accept that while what "they" had done was vile and reprehensible, I did not have to stay stuck in the Drama. It was not my problem if they were not ready to move on--I was. And I was...ready to move on.

Turbidity

There is a water-consumption advisory today. No drinking without boiling. And still the rains are coming. The clouds part for a minute--even saw the sun for a moment today--but a minute later, the clouds return and you are in the cold grey light once more.

The storm has passed, but I am now dealing with the turbidity.....I can't quite see through the glass of water--can't even hazard a guess as to whether it's half full or half empty. I'm in no fit state to decide. Letting go and walking away has come with a price--stress is leaving my body, but as it boils up and escapes, it's causing some problems--zoning out, forgetting details, impatience. But the important thing is I know it's leaving.

T. called me last night to see how I was. She made the point that even though the Prince told the staff not to contact me, if they were not also suffering from the poison, they would have called me. They would have asked C. if they could-- knowing as they do we are in almost daily contact.

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. It reminds me that I am......done.